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Beyond happiness…

When you read this blog post then I actually managed to overcome one of my fears…

I have never really talked about the sadness, the darkness and anxiety that has been a part of me as much as my happiness. When I had my burn-out a few years ago I had reached the darkest point in my life – I nearly died (and I don’t mean that metaphorically). It probably sounds weird but nearly dying helped me to live and to find happiness in myself. Even during those dark times I never spoke to anyone but instead I looked into myself, I read and walked for hours and hours and started to express myself with my pictures until I had healed myself…

But healing does not mean that all the darkness and anxiety has gone, it just means that I have found a way to live with it, to accept it as part of me and even to see it as an essential part of my artistic expression.

The darkness has found its way into many of my pictures where it is joined by my childlike dreams and excitement for everything that is mysterious and magical and my joy to live – both of which I found (again) after my burn-out. This way I feel I can get a depth and dark mystery into my work that I could not if I was only walking in the light. Light needs darkness – especially in photography.

The anxiety is still a struggle, though it happens far less often nowadays. In a way it sometimes helps me to feel things more deeply and combined with my intuition it can be a very powerful guide if (and this if is important) I notice it early enough. It often builds slowly but now and then it catches me unawares. This happened a few days ago…at a time where I was so incredibly happy one second and the next I was sitting on my couch crying…

What had happened…I still don’t know exactly but I am trying to figure it out and when I know I will tell you. For now I just want to overcome the fear of sharing this with you. The fear of sharing something this personal which somehow makes me vulnerable and where the fear triggers my imagination which has come up with lots of possibilities how by sharing this I might actually harm myself. Having a very imaginative mind is not always helpful ;-).
But enough for now – just press the publish-button…

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4 Comments on "Beyond happiness…"

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John
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Your art is very much based on ‘feeling’…feelings…and feelings are many and varied…and I admire you for expressing all of your feelings…not just the ‘happy’ ones 😉

John
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You are amazing!
I realised many years ago when I was in the depths of anxiety…the same thing…that it also had a profound depth and positive side…in that it gave me an insight and greater understanding of life and how other people maybe feeling.
Even though I would not have chosen the experience…I was grateful for it because of that reason.
I felt I was a better more rounded person for it…and that was a turning point for me.
Thankyou for sharing Isabel…I am sure it will connect with many people in many ways 🙂

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